Chaz wanted a dog for as long as I knew him. I never saw Chaz as happy as the day we got Corbin. Well, maybe except our wedding day 😊
Chaz loved Corbin so much and Corbin loved Chaz just as much! If you wanted to know what love looked like you just needed to see Chaz and Corbin together or listen to Chaz talk about Corbin.
We adopted Corbin on December 5, 2020. We actually were not expecting to walk away with a puppy that day. It was a crash course into puppy parenthood. I still remember holding little Corbin and then passing him to Chaz. Corbin just settled into Chaz’s arms like there was no where else he wanted to be. That image is ingrained in my mind.
Chaz got to be a dog dad for 2 and half months and he was the best dog dad. Chaz loved to spoil Corbin so much that I couldn’t trust him to go to a pet store alone. Corbin got the privilege of going to work (which was our church) with Chaz every day. He has become the unofficial mascot of our church and is loved by many. Corbin lifted Chaz’s mood and helped him with feeling less anxious. Corbin was a source of comfort leading up to Chaz going to the hospital.
Today is Corbin’s first birthday and it really sucks that Chaz isn’t here for it. But that’s life now. Chaz not being here for things. All I can do is be grateful for the time he and Corbin had and continue loving on Corbin.
Sitting in the airport and I have two thoughts warring in my mind.
The first is “I’m so excited to go on this trip! I’m so lucky!” and the other is “I’m a horrible person to be excited about a trip when my husband is dead. What are people going to think?”
Yep. I went there. I’m only human. I question everything I do now that I’m a widow. I question my behavior, my reactions, my feelings, what I say and what I choose to do especially the fun things. Also I sometimes can’t help but worry about what other people are thinking when I say or do something.
I know that I do not need to feel guilty. God has blessed me immensely since Chaz died. He has extended his grace over me which has allowed me to keep living my life. God is comforting me and helping me walk in this grief. I know that feeling guilty is not part of God’s plan for me. Chaz would want me to live my life and do fun things. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with the guilty feelings sometimes.
So how do you be ok with good things while grieving? Change the narrative. At least that’s what I do. It’s not always easy but choosing to not focus on the thoughts that make me feel guilty helps me be ok. As far as not worrying about what other people think I tell myself that I can’t control what people think. How they perceive my actions or words. But what I can do is be confident in my feelings, my thoughts, my actions and my truths.
Why do I have to continue to live without my husband?
Why couldn’t we have had more time?
Why did God allow this to happen to me?
Why?
In the beginning I desperately wanted God to answer me. I could not understand why this was happening. If I had answers maybe I would feel better.
Chaz had so many dreams. He had found a career that he loved and he was flourishing. We had dreams. We had plans. After an incredibly hard time in our marriage I felt like we were on the same page and hitting our stride. All of that is gone now. It’s hard to come to terms that I don’t have a future with Chaz anymore. He doesn’t have a future.
In the beginning I wanted answers but now I would rather not know. Answers won’t change my situation. I think knowing why will hurt more than not knowing. I am too angry with God to want to hear answers. And that’s ok. God knows I’m hurting and angry but He is still with me. He is patient. He let’s me bombard Him with questions. He let’s me be silent. He is faithful and loving. He understands.
Maybe someday the anger will subsided. Maybe someday my heart will have healed enough that I would be ready for answers. Maybe.
On Friday I had plans to meet up with a couple of friends for dinner and drinks. I was excited to enjoy good company and good food at the end of the work week.
Friday arrived and I was feeling good. I did my hair and felt cute in my outfit. The work day was good and knowing I had evening plans kept me in a good mood.
So why on the drive to the restaurant did feelings of guilt start to settle in? Because that’s what grief does. It can come out of nowhere. It can make you feel things that you know that aren’t true.
As I was sitting in the parking lot, paralyzed by guilt I knew in my head that if Chaz was here he would want me to spend time with my friends. He would be telling me that I don’t need to feel guilty about having a good time. He actually was always encouraging me to make plans with friends. I was so lucky to be married to someone who understood how important it is to have friendships outside of our marriage.
The guilt brought in sadness. Sadness that Chaz and I weren’t going out to eat. Sadness that he isn’t going to be waiting for me at home. I desperately wanted to have a good time that night with my friends but I needed help.
Sending a quick text to my friend who was on her way to the restaurant letting her know that I was having a moment helped a little. I didn’t feel alone as much in my feelings. Then she called me. She gave me an out. She suggested us going to my house to hang out if that sounded better. Then she listened to what I wanted. I still wanted to eat at the restaurant. She said ok and did a breathing exercise with me.
Grief Is Always There
That night was a blast! Good food, good drinks and good conversations! Grief tinged with guilt was still there but so was happiness.
Tips For When the Guilt Comes
Are you grieving? If yes you have probably experienced feelings of guilt. While it is normal to feel guilty we don’t want to stay feeling that way. The biggest tip I have for working through those guilty feelings is to tell someone. Tell someone that you trust and that will really listen to you. Talking through what you are feeling will help you process and can help you realize that you don’t need to be feeling guilty.
If you don’t feel like talking to someone I suggest writing it out. List exactly what you are feeling and why. Then pretend like this is a friend that just told you they were feeling guilty. What would you say to them to help them realize they don’t need to feel guilty?
How Can I Help?
Listen. If your friend chooses to share with you the only thing you really need to do is listen. Understand that you won’t be able to ‘fix’ the problem. Ultimately you friend has to work through their guilty feelings and process their emotions. But you can be there for them. You can pray for them and encourage them. Let them know that their feelings and their grief don’t scare you. That you are a listening friend for them to come to.
This post is a detailed timeline of Chaz, my husband, passing away. From the time he started to feel sick to him dying was 2 days. I’ve gotten really good at talking about the details from those 2 days that I don’t get emotional. In the weeks following I shared this story a lot. Sometimes I shared all the details and sometimes I didn’t. Now I wanted to have this part of the story written down.
How It Began
On Thursday night, Chaz started to not feel well. His body hurt and he had a fever but we didn’t think it was anything to worry about. He was shoveling snow in the afternoon and because of some unique health issues we knew that sometimes his body responds to physical activity in a weird way. But by the following morning things were different. Chaz’s symptoms were still present and were worse with pain in his chest when he would take breaths. With his severe symptoms I dropped him off at the ER and I went to go get a COVID test.
After a bit I picked up Chaz from the ER. They discharged him saying that he could either have pneumonia or COVID. We went home to wait for results and try to make Chaz comfortable. It was shocking how much worse he got during the night. I felt helpless (and exhausted) as I tried to find a way to give him some relief. I remember having to take his cellphone from him and continue answering the nurse from the hotline as he dry heaved and struggled to take good breaths.
By 4 a.m. on Saturday we were at the ER. I’m grateful that they let me be with him since we did not have COVID test results yet. The doctor was concerned by Chaz’s vitals and wanted to admit him. Around 6 a.m. I left the ER to go home to feed our puppy and to get a couple hours of sleep. I felt awful leaving him. He was in pain and I know that I could not take away the pain but I also know that my presence always gave him comfort. As I left the ER it did not cross my mind at all that I would not be back by his side.
The Waiting
Just a few minutes after I crawled into bed Chaz called me crying. He had COVID. We both knew what that meant. I wasn’t going to be allowed to come back to the hospital.
Somehow I got a couple hours of sleep. When I woke up I sent a text to Chaz letting him know that I was awake and asked him how he was doing. I started sending off texts and making phone calls letting people know that Chaz had COVID and to ask for prayer. I texted my friend Madi asking her to call me when she had a chance.
Sometime after 9 a.m. my phone rang. It was a doctor. He told me that Chaz was really sick and he asked if Chaz had a history of heart problems. Heart problems? I was stunned because Chaz was the healthiest he had been in a couple years. As the doctor continued to talk I remember mentally telling myself to remember everything he was saying. All of this was shocking and overwhelming. This was the biggest medical thing to date that Chaz and I were dealing with and we have had a few. They were concerned that Chaz might have a blockage in his artery. They wanted to do a procedure to investigate and needed my permission since Chaz was under the influence of pain meds. The phone was on speaker so I was able to talk with Chaz. I can’t express how grateful I am for that.
I could tell by his voice that the pain meds were working. Chaz’s final words to me were
It’s going to be ok.
I love you.
Take care of yourself.
Shortly after the phone call from the doctor, two very dear and wonderful friends Madi and Jessica came over to be with me. They were there when the doctor finally called again in the afternoon.
Cardio Myopathy. That’s what they found. A heart condition we had no idea about. At this point I think I totally forgot that Chaz also had COVID. My mind was in shock. Something was wrong with his heart. It was like a white noise machine was in my head.
The doctors and nurses were doing everything they could to get Chaz stable. Because of the type of heart condition they were making arrangements to send Chaz down to Seattle. I am so grateful Madi and Jessica were sitting on either side of me for that phone call. Their presence was a blessing as I made phone call after phone call to update family.
After all of the updates were given to family, Jessica had to leave for a little bit and Madi stayed with me. At this point we were just waiting again. I decided to take a shower. I gave my phone to Madi in case the doctor called again.
The Call
During my shower is when the doctor called a third time. Madi answered my phone and the doctor told her to get me to the hospital now. Everything became a blur. I was dressed and out the door. No recollection of going through the motions of putting on clothes. My heart was breaking. In Madi’s car the tears were falling so fast I couldn’t see. We were both praying out loud. I remember praying over and over
“Way maker, miracle worker,
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who you are”
I believed that God wasn’t done with Chaz. I felt it in my bones. In my soul. I was praying and believing for a miracle.
The Decision
Going into the cath lab and seeing him laying on a table with a sheet over him and being hooked up to machines was surreal. I immediately went to him and laid my hands on him and prayed.
Eventually the doctor came in. I turned to him and felt the strength of God well up in me. I just knew what the doctor was going to say was final. That it was the will of God. He told me that they worked on Chaz all day. That the ventilator was breathing for him and the catheter in his heart was pumping blood for him. Chaz’s heart could no longer pump blood on it’s own. There was nothing else the doctors could do. I could see it in the doctor’s face the devastation that they were unable to save Chaz.
As I stayed with Chaz for a while longer my prayers for a miracle turned to prayers for the doctors, nurses and medical staff that cared for Chaz.I prayed that they would be comforted, restored and that God would bless them.
Chaz’s sisters were able to make it to say goodbye and just be with him.
At a little before 5:30 p.m. I left the cath lab and at 5:30 p.m Chaz went to his eternal home.
Other family came and gathered at the ER with my pastors, Jessica and Madi. Madi was with me the entire time. She managed my phone and logistics with the medical staff. She did this without being prompted or asked. That was incredibly helpful. I don’t think I could have handled any of that. It also allowed me to be present with my family.
I may have had to say goodbye to one of the most important people in my life but I was surrounded by many more important people. God was with me and made sure I was surrounded by people who love me.
I don’t like to write. In school I liked English class for the reading not the writing. Creative writing, research papers, cover letters, journaling — not my thing. (It’s kind of funny since for the past couple years I’ve been writing social media posts as a Beachbody coach 😄)
So when a close friend suggested that I start a blog to share my story I immediately shot it down. It wasn’t just that I don’t like to write but I also was doubting that anyone would actually want to read what I have to say. But the seed was planted
The next couple weeks this idea of starting a blog was all I could think about. I was praying about it a lot and I knew that if I started something like this I wanted it to honor God. I didn’t want this to be about me. About how I was being strong or brave. Because I am only those things because God is with me and He is my strength in all of this.
Slowly the seed began to take root in me and grow with ideas. I felt God leading me into this new purpose. I was struggling a lot in the months following Chaz’s passing with not knowing what I was supposed to be doing. Having no clue about the future was frustrating and scary. The more I leaned into this idea of writing my experiences the more I was receiving encouragement from friends that I was confiding in. I felt God’s blessing and direction over this new purpose so I said yes.
Pulling the Trigger
The question then was when do I start. Was there a perfect time? I had a couple ideas of publishing my blog on an important date like our wedding anniversary or the 6 month mark of Chaz passing but the timing wasn’t there. Plus I definitely was dealing with doubting thoughts and bouts of depression.
So this blog is launching today! September 5, 2021. 6 months and 16 days after Chaz died. Not on an anniversary or a special day. Just a day. Because this is something that I have learned: when you feel like doing something, do it. Don’t wait. Throw the perfect moment, perfect timing out the window. You don’t know what’s coming next and you don’t want miss your opportunity.
The Future…
So what’s next after this first post? Good question! I’m not sure exactly. But my hope is to share about my life now as a 30 year old widow. To share my life as I experience grief. I want to encourage those who are grieving and help people understand how best to support those who are grieving. I’m probably not going to post on a schedule. That’s too much pressure plus sometimes grief has a way of derailing plans and expectations.
I would love if you shared this blog with friends and family. Also if you have questions, please ask! I promise I will do my best to answer honestly.
I want to end with this encouragement, do not lose heart. You are being renewed every day. Whatever you are going through is momentary even if it doesn’t feel like it. Good things will come. You are being prepared for eternal glory.
