Grief is weird. Having your husband die before you celebrate your 5th wedding anniversary is weird. Suddenly going from wife to widow is weird. Navigating a life you never expected is weird.
Some things made sense like waves of sadness and crying. Feeling lost and uncertain of the future.
But there were other things that I wasn’t expecting.
Being tired all the time. Grief brings a whole different level of exhaustion. I can get so mentally exhausted from all of the emotions and thoughts that my body also feels exhausted.
Being forgetful. This one has been hard to deal with. I used to keep track of my life and Chaz’s life all in my head. We joked that I was his secretary. Now if I’m not doing whatever it is immediately, I need to write it down or POOF! It’s gone from my brain. This has gotten better but I still have weeks where nothing sticks in my brain and I rely on written lists.
Being ok and then suddenly not being ok. Sometimes there’s a trigger and sometimes not. I can have a string of good days and then I’m suddenly not ok.
But probably the biggest thing that I didn’t expect about living with grief was to reach a place where I’m accepting of every emotion, every trigger, every memory, and every new experience.
