I’m happy, hurting and healing. Feeling more than one emotion or feeling at a time has become pretty common for me. Joy and sorrow. Guilty and blessed. Anger and acceptance. Devastation and peace. Wanting to be alone and craving people interactions. Zero energy and wanting to be productive.
Happy with my life, hurting that this is my life and wanting to work through all the emotions to come to a place of healing.
Hurting With Pockets Of Happiness
Since my last blog post I’ve mostly been hurting with moments of happiness and struggling with the desire to heal but being terrified of the healing.
I carry the hurt always. Some days the hurt is close to the surface. Most days it’s not but the ache is always there.
The moments of happiness were little pockets of relief. Moments that I felt myself relax, breathe and smile big. A weekend in a cabin with friends, spending time with my parents, buying a house, a girls’ trip, and quality time with friends.
All throughout the hurt and pockets of happiness I knew that there was something better for my life. A healed heart. But the fear of dealing with more pain to get to the healed heart overruled the desire to be healed for months and months.
Learning From Ruth and Naomi
I am very cautious person. I will do almost anything to avoid pain. But sometimes we have to experience pain and hardships to feel better, to experience healing.
Making the shift from avoiding more pain to taking steps toward healing happened naturally. God has been so gracious to me. He has never pressured me to move faster. He is present and he is patient.
I was reading Ruth again and something clicked. Since becoming a widow I’ve read Ruth a couple times and found comfort and hope in Ruth’s story as she herself was a widow. This time when I was reading it was Naomi that stood out. Naomi was also a widow and a bereaved parent. She was deep in her grief. I believe she was very deep in her grief and was either on the road to bitterness or was already there. In Ruth 1:20-21, Naomi changes her name to Mara because “for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?”
When you are filled with bitterness you cannot experience healing. Reading about Naomi’s actions and emotions was a wake up call. I didn’t want to be like Naomi. I wanted to be like Ruth who was grieving just like Naomi but her actions were very different. Ruth was loyal and caring toward Naomi, Ruth worked hard to provide for herself and Naomi. Ruth’s actions were moving her forward in healing. Naomi’s actions were keeping her stuck and breeding bitterness.
Moving Forward In Healing
So what does moving forward in healing look like? It still looks like carrying the hurt everyday and experiencing pockets of happiness but those pockets are getting bigger and more frequent. It looks like being honest with myself and with God about all of my thoughts, my hurt and my anger. It looks like trusting that the pain isn’t for nothing. That God’s plan includes redemption and healing for my life.
