This year will be my second Christmas without Chaz. Last Christmas was hard. I felt alone. I felt angry. I cried. I powered through days. I spent days in bed. But I also smiled. I laughed. Spent time with people and did my best to enjoy the Christmas season. It was all so different. This year isn’t better or worse. Just different. Same feelings but some are stronger and some are weaker.
Christmas 2021
Last year I didn’t know if I was going to decorate my home for Christmas. I’ve always loved Christmas and I decided that even though Chaz was not with me I still wanted to celebrate. But that it was going to look and feel different. I knew decorating was going to take energy and I wasn’t sure if I had any to spare. So I chose to be ok if I didn’t decorate. But it turned out that I did decorate. I remember sitting on the couch not really doing anything and thought why not bring in the tubs of decorations. So I did. And then I started opening them and I naturally began to decorate. It didn’t feel forced. I was enjoying going through this rhythm of unpacking decorations and putting up the tree.
I released a lot of tears and pain especially when I got to the ornaments. Every year that Chaz and I were together, I bought a picture frame ornament and picked a photo of us from that year. I loved that tradition. It made me so happy to see our ornament collection grow every year. I proudly displayed those ornaments on the tree and shed more tears.
Christmas 2022
This year I knew I wanted to decorate for Christmas and I was going to make the time to do so. I’m in a new house and I was excited to find new places for my decorations. The tears and pain were still there. Especially when I unpacked the picture frame ornaments and being reminded that the collection wasn’t growing anymore.
This year I did not feel like putting these ornaments on the tree. It’s too painful and that’s ok. I actually don’t need pictures or material items to remember Chaz. Everything about him is in my heart. Forever.
The most perfect container
I still wanted to do something special with these ornaments. I have this container that must have belonged to Chaz (his name is written on it) and I think his aunt found while she was going through family Christmas things. The lid is the back of a truck and the license plate says ‘HOWDY’. If you knew Chaz you definitely were greeted with a ‘howdy’ at one point. This is the most perfect container to hold these memories. I placed each ornament into the container with Corbin at my side sniffing each one. Then I placed it next to Chaz’s urn above his stocking which is now Corbin’s.
And at any point I can open up that container and look at his face, remember our history and the love.
