August 2022

Today is National Grief Awareness Day.

“National Grief Awareness Day is dedicated to raising awareness of the myriad ways in which individuals cope with loss.”

Coping doesn’t mean moving on. You never move on from loss. You can move forward. You can continue living but that doesn’t mean you have stopped grieving the loss. The pain and hurt is still there. Coping with loss means learning how to continue to live while carrying the grief daily.

Every single day I think about Chaz.

Some days it’s a little thing that I think about like how he would use every single spoon we owned while cooking.

Some days I think about the life we dreamed about.

I remember feeling that it took all my energy to get out of bed during the first year. I’m grateful that those days are not as frequent but they still come.

I still have days where the reality feels like a punch to the gut.

But I also have days where I feel happy and blessed. Days that I can look back at the growth I’ve gone through and I know that Chaz is proud of me.

How I’m Coping

I am coping while still grieving. Coping will look different person to person.

For me, taking care of my high energy, lovable dog Corbin helps me cope. Spending time with God in prayer, worship and journaling has been healing. Making plans to do something fun with the people I love helps a lot. Sleeping and taking time to be by myself is still one of the top ways I cope when emotions are more intense. Making myself available to talk and share with others about my experiences and giving advice helps me process what I’m going through and I feel good knowing that it can help others.

How You Can Support Someone Today And Every Day

The best way to love someone who is grieving is to remember that each person will experience, process and cope with grief differently. Don’t compare grief or say “I know exactly what you are going through.” It’s impossible for you to know exactly what that person is truly feeling. Ask questions and be ok with whatever the answer is or if they choose not to give an answer. Think about what you say before you say it. It might not come across as helpful or encouraging. One of the easiest things you can do is just be with the other person. Acknowledge that the situation sucks and tell them you love them. Let them know you are with them and know that you won’t be able to fix it.

Today I want to share a memory of Chaz. A happy memory.

The Proposal

7 years ago Chaz proposed. It feels like a lifetime ago. I’m grateful for this memory and that this moment is part of my life.

We had been talking about marriage for several months. I even knew that he had bought the ring. I was certain that he was going to be popping question any day. But Chaz threw me off by telling me that the ring needed some work done on it and that it was going to take a couple weeks. The man that could not keep a secret managed to trick me! I really believed that he wasn’t going to be proposing for a couple weeks.

I thought it was a regular Sunday. We had gone to church in the morning and planned to go to the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center in the afternoon. One of my favorite places to go. As we were driving out of town it looked like the weather was not as nice to the south as it was in Anchorage. Calling an audible we pulled off at one of the lookout spots, Bird Point.

Bird Point has several spots to take in the mountains and water. It’s beautiful and peaceful. Not a lot of people were around. And I was oblivious to what was going to happen. Chaz pulled his backpack out of the car and had it with him when we sat down at one of the benches. I have know idea why I didn’t ask him about it. We were just going to sit for a little bit before deciding if we continue to the conservation center or head back to Anchorage. There was no need to have his backpack.

I don’t even remember what I was talking about when I looked over at him and he moved to one knee. With no one around, he pulled out the ring I thought was being worked on and he asked me to be his wife. And I said yes. It was one of the most confident yeses I have ever said.

Chaz was a thorough planner and there was reason for having that backpack. He had delicious bread and olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dipping. Chaz even had a bottle of fancy wine he had been saving for a special occasion. Unfortunately we didn’t get to enjoy it. Chaz had used his medical-grade ice pack because he wanted to keep the wine chilled. But he accidentally froze the wine! He was so mad. But I didn’t care. The whole moment was perfect especially with the imperfect parts.

After our little picnic, we headed back to Anchorage where Chaz had planned a dinner with his family and I could skype with my parents. I loved that the proposal was just me and Chaz. Intimate, simple and special. But I also loved that Chaz wanted to include our families in celebrating our love and promise to each other.

Choosing To Be Happy Today

I was blessed to be loved by Chaz. I wouldn’t change anything about that day or any of the days that followed. Every day I had with Chaz shaped me into the person I am. And every day without Chaz is moving me towards the person I’m supposed become. You can’t change the past. All you have is the memories and the decision to keep moving forward while holding onto the memories. I could be sad today. I could feel sorry for myself. I could play the what-if game. Instead I’m choosing to remember and smile. I’m choosing to be grateful for that moment in my life and everything that came after it. I’m choosing to be happy with where my life is now.

Music is powerful. The melody, the rhythm, the instruments, the words. Music can evoke emotions. Music can transport you into a memory. Music can make you react.

Way Maker

The song Way Maker does all of that to me. Every time.

Every time I’m flooded with emotions.

Every time I cry.

Every time I’m transported back to the passenger seat of my friend’s car as she drove me to the hospital.

Way maker,

miracle worker,

promise keeper

Light in the darkness, my God

That is who You are

I remember tears. So many tears washing my cheeks and falling to my lap. I remember hearing Madi praying out loud. I remember my heart crying out to God. Pleading for a miracle. Believing for a miracle.

Way maker,

miracle worker,

promise keeper

Light in the darkness, my God

That is who You are

I began praying out loud the chorus of Way Maker. Way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God, that is who You are. Over and over I said those words. Believing those words. No melody. No instruments. Just the words. And tears.

The First Time

I can’t remember how long it was after Chaz died that I heard Way Maker. I love to sing and I love to worship God through song but when I heard the first few chords my lips were sealed. Then the tears came. And the memory. With all of the painful emotions. The anguish. The anger. Feelings of betrayal and distrust. My heart could not believe the words. I couldn’t even mouth the words.

And Now

I recently experienced Way Maker in a worship setting. This time about a year and a half after Chaz died. I heard the first few chords. I managed to sing through the verses. And then the chorus came. Same with the tears. But this time my lips moved with the words. Slowly my heart is healing. Slowly my heart is learning to trust in those words again. To trust God. Because God is

Way maker,

miracle worker,

promise keeper,

Light in the darkness, my God

That is who he is.

In my marriage of 4 years and 8 months, I was the one that would forget to put my wedding ring back on before leaving the house. Pure forgetfulness. It was never intentional. I would be doing the dishes or take a shower and forget to put it back on but having the ring on or not never changed my marital status. It never changed my commitment to Chaz.

After Chaz died my ring didn’t come off for anything. Now I couldn’t fathom the idea of going one day without it. My ring didn’t change my marital status. Death did. But wearing my ring was something tangible that I needed to hold on to when my marital status changed from married to widow.

I carry the label widow but I also still think of myself as Chaz’s wife. Over the past few months I’ve started to work through the labels I have collected. I can be a widow and Chaz’s wife. I can be a widow, Chaz’s wife and be in another relationship if I want to.

The decision to take off my ring and not put it back on came on a Monday morning in the shower. I didn’t talk about it beforehand with anyone. I also didn’t overthink it. I just took it off.

My ring was the tangible reminder of my wedding vows. Vows that have been broken by death.

The first week without my ring was odd. It felt like there was a spotlight on my left hand. I don’t know if anyone even noticed. Each day I feel where the ring should be on my finger. My hand misses the slight weight of my ring. But it also feels natural for this part of my journey.

I believe that I will feel that weight again on my finger.

That new vows will be made.

When the time is right.

I went to a memorial service this past weekend. One of the first things my friend said to me when I greeted her was “This is not a club I wanted to join.” Club Widow and Widower is an exclusive club but it’s a club no one wants to join. It is estimated that there are 258 million widows around the world. That number makes me sick.

But that’s life. Spouses die. And the person they left behind instantly gets a new label and a new community to identify with. And within this community is a variety of different people.

Young and old.

Have children and don’t have children.

Married 2 years and married 50 years.

Death caused my natural causes and horrific tragedies.

Wants to remarry and can’t even imagine being in another relationship.

Has incredible support system and is completely alone.

Financial stable and financially ruined.

Feels hope for tomorrow and is barely making it through the day.

Loss and grief do not discriminate. Every story is unique and special but with a common thread; the loss of the person we love.