July 2022

Grief has taught me to voice my needs and wants.

If you have spent any time with me you have probably heard me say “I don’t care, whatever you want to do” or “I don’t know. You pick” or “I’m fine. Really, I am”. These words can come so easily out my mouth even when I do care, I do know what I want and I’m not fine. But there is a part of me that wants to please people so much that I compromise myself so I don’t rock the boat or disrupt the peace. This approach to any question asked of me actually caused a lot of stress and arguments in my marriage.

Fortunately the year before Chaz passed away, we started counseling and this was one of the things I started working on. I became less afraid or concerned that I was going to hurt Chaz’s feelings if I shared what I wanted or needed. Especially if it was going to contradict what he wanted to do.

Learning that my voice matters is taking my current relationships to a deeper, more authentic level. Knowing that my voice matters is helping new relationships start off on a good foundation. This new mindset is also helping me feel comfortable sharing my thoughts and opinions with a broader audience through this blog. My hope is that anyone who reads my thoughts and opinions feel like they are getting to know me better and come to be a better understanding of what grief can look like. I hope that reading my posts helps people put words to what they are feeling and going through. Or if people share my blog with their loved ones who are going through their own journey and need encouragement.

This blog has no agenda except be place for me to share my grief journey. But I also want this blog to answer questions that you might have or share opinions on topics your curious about. Even from the very beginning after Chaz died, I’ve been open to questions. I still feel that way. Please feel comfortable sending me a message with a question or with an idea of topic you would like me to share.

I promise to let you know if I don’t want to answer it 😉

There are moments where it hurts so much that I’m still alive and Chaz isn’t.

Playing with Corbin

Making dinner

Driving

Planning for the future

Taking a trip

Going on a hike

Working out has been emotional. Feeling my muscles straining. Trying to catch my breath. Sweating and feeling my heart race. All of that reminds me that Chaz can’t experience the same, he can’t experience feeling alive. It makes my heart hurt so much that I have cried during and after workouts. I feel bad that that I can do something physically that reminds me that I’m alive.

I just got back from a big conference for Beachbody coaches. It was a great experience to be doing live workouts with so many people. There was so much energy. So much life. During the one of the workouts the trainer asked, “do you feel alive?”. I felt my breath catch in my throat. I did feel alive. I felt good. While it still hurts that Chaz is dead and I’m alive, I want to keep doing things that make me feel alive and do it to honor his life.

Chaz supported my health journey. He was a big reason why I joined Beachbody. I wanted to be healthy so we could enjoy a long life together. That long life was abruptly cut short. I floundered with continuing in the habits and routines I had established. I felt like I lost my ‘why’. It’s taken a while but I’ve re-evaluated my reason for continuing the habits and routines that support a healthy life. I’m doing it for me. To feel good and confident. To live a long, full life with the people that are in my life. I’m doing it for my future. I’m doing it to be the best version of myself. And I’m still doing it for Chaz, to honor the life he had and the life that could have been.

I’m happy, hurting and healing. Feeling more than one emotion or feeling at a time has become pretty common for me. Joy and sorrow. Guilty and blessed. Anger and acceptance. Devastation and peace. Wanting to be alone and craving people interactions. Zero energy and wanting to be productive.

Happy with my life, hurting that this is my life and wanting to work through all the emotions to come to a place of healing.

Hurting With Pockets Of Happiness

Since my last blog post I’ve mostly been hurting with moments of happiness and struggling with the desire to heal but being terrified of the healing.

I carry the hurt always. Some days the hurt is close to the surface. Most days it’s not but the ache is always there.

The moments of happiness were little pockets of relief. Moments that I felt myself relax, breathe and smile big. A weekend in a cabin with friends, spending time with my parents, buying a house, a girls’ trip, and quality time with friends.

All throughout the hurt and pockets of happiness I knew that there was something better for my life. A healed heart. But the fear of dealing with more pain to get to the healed heart overruled the desire to be healed for months and months.

Learning From Ruth and Naomi

I am very cautious person. I will do almost anything to avoid pain. But sometimes we have to experience pain and hardships to feel better, to experience healing.

Making the shift from avoiding more pain to taking steps toward healing happened naturally. God has been so gracious to me. He has never pressured me to move faster. He is present and he is patient.

I was reading Ruth again and something clicked. Since becoming a widow I’ve read Ruth a couple times and found comfort and hope in Ruth’s story as she herself was a widow. This time when I was reading it was Naomi that stood out. Naomi was also a widow and a bereaved parent. She was deep in her grief. I believe she was very deep in her grief and was either on the road to bitterness or was already there. In Ruth 1:20-21, Naomi changes her name to Mara because “for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?”

When you are filled with bitterness you cannot experience healing. Reading about Naomi’s actions and emotions was a wake up call. I didn’t want to be like Naomi. I wanted to be like Ruth who was grieving just like Naomi but her actions were very different. Ruth was loyal and caring toward Naomi, Ruth worked hard to provide for herself and Naomi. Ruth’s actions were moving her forward in healing. Naomi’s actions were keeping her stuck and breeding bitterness.

Moving Forward In Healing

So what does moving forward in healing look like? It still looks like carrying the hurt everyday and experiencing pockets of happiness but those pockets are getting bigger and more frequent. It looks like being honest with myself and with God about all of my thoughts, my hurt and my anger. It looks like trusting that the pain isn’t for nothing. That God’s plan includes redemption and healing for my life.