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October 2021

Widowhood

Our Story: Church and a Dating App

Our love story started on Halloween. At least it did for me.

It Started With An App

In 2014, on Halloween night, my friend Jessie came over. Halloween isn’t really an important holiday to me and Jessie’s husband was deployed so we made plans to watch movies, eat pizza and eat candy.

Now I don’t know why but Jessie made the suggestion (and then wouldn’t let it go) that I should be on a dating app. I definitely fought her on it but if you knew Jessie you would know that it was a losing battle. She’s stubborn but also cares a lot. I finally said yes to her creating my profile as long as I had complete veto rights.

The profile was created and I didn’t really think much about it. I had done the dating websites and apps before with no success and I wasn’t expecting anything to happen this time.

I wasn’t pursing being in a relationship. I had surrendered that desire to be in a relationship to God. I was trusting God to bring the right man into my life. I said yes to the dating app so Jessie would stop pestering me.

The Prequel

As I said, in my mind Chaz and mine’s love story started on Halloween. But the prequel started a few weeks earlier.

I first saw Chaz at church. Our church wasn’t that big so it was easy to notice new faces. I remember asking my friend Amanda if she knew who he was. Chaz was there with his sister who was a member of the church.

I noticed him. I thought he was attractive. And I didn’t go up to talk to him.

Nerves got the better of me. Plus I was preoccupied with my parents getting ready to move out of the country.

The Notification

A couple days after setting up my dating profile I got a notification that someone looked at my profile… it was Chaz! And instantly I began wondering if he recognized me. I said that our church wasn’t that big but I also I sang on the worship team. I was pretty visible.

I went back and forth but I finally sent Chaz a message. ‘Hey.’ That was it. I’m still made at myself for sending just the word ‘hey.’ I hated when I would get messages like that. So I sent the message and waited for Chaz’s reply.

‘Hey.’ Are you kidding me?! I realized that if I wanted to see if this could be anything I was going to have to be bold. So I typed out a real message and clicked send. And then we started having real conversations. It was the beginning.

God Answered My Prayer

When I surrendered my desire to be in a relationship and I put my trust in God, I told God that he would need to bring a guy to church. God answered my request. Not exactly in the way that I thought but it makes me love Chaz and mine’s love story even more.

In Honor Of The Beginning

So today, Halloween 2021, I’m choosing to celebrate and honor the beginning of our story with a movie, pizza and candy.

October 31, 2021 by
Grief

Double life

I feel like I’m living this double life. Living through the grief and anger while also going through “normal” and “every day” functions of life. And I hate it. Mostly I hate the grief and anger part. I hate that I’m still getting out bed every day and going to work. I hate that I’m laughing and smiling. I hate that the world is still functioning. I hate that I’m living my life even though it’s not the life I want.

I’m exhausted. At work I’m being my normal smiling self. I’m laughing with coworkers and sharing funny photos of Corbin. I’m making plans with friends to hang out or go for brunch.

But when I’m at home all of that energy I put into the smile and conversations is gone. And I’m empty for a moment until all of the emotions I kept pushed away come rushing back. They come rushing back and it’s paralyzing sometimes. Most of the time I can’t leave the house until I absolutely have to. I don’t want to face the world.

October 26, 2021 by
Grief, Widowhood

Be the light

Almost 3 months after Chaz died, I received a Facebook message from one of the nurses that was with him. Because of COVID I was unable to be with Chaz while he was in the hospital. I couldn’t help but wonder about what went on at the hospital. This message has given me some of those details. I treasure this message from this nurse. She didn’t have to contact me. But Chaz left an impression on her and I’m so glad she chose to reach out to me. This is her message.

Her message

“I’ve debated for several months whether it would be appropriate to reach out to you as I never got to meet or talk with you that day. I would never want to cross any professional boundaries, however his story is one that will stick with me forever. Even months later something continues to compel me to reach out to you if only to tell you that in the short time I worked with him, it was very obvious how much you meant to him. He was already incredibly sick in the hours I worked with him, but he never stopped being unbelievably pleasant, quick to offer thanks for the most simplest of things, even apologizing for taking up so much of my time. It was so obvious how awful he felt and how much worse it was getting, and yet he never complained or stopped being brave. He had a short period of relief after some pain medicine and his last words to me as they wheeled him to the cath lab were that the pain was starting to get worse again but that he was just so grateful to be going to a place that could fix it. He had previously mentioned his work as a youth pastor, and after everything that happened that day I can’t shake the feeling that he may not have been referring to the cath lab after all. He also had the nerve (for lack of a better word) to genuinely thank me for helping him as he was being wheeled off to something so huge. I feel like almost anyone else would and probably should have been focused completely on themselves in a moment like that, and it would have been completely understandable to forget manners altogether, but he didn’t, and I think that speaks something about who he was. He was so calm throughout everything and had a sense of peace, or maybe lack of fear that most in his position (at least in my experience) don’t. I was in the room when the Dr. called you prior to taking him to the cath lab, and I’ll never forget how you sounded when the reality of how serious the situation was hit you, my heart broke for you then and still does now. When I heard the overhead page for a code in the cath lab my heart sank again. I spent the next hour there trying so hard with everyone else in the room, just not willing to give up on this guy who was so young and had so much left to live, but to be honest I think Chaz was already gone before I got there. Even though his heart was still beating, I think he had already left, and I don’t think he suffered at that point. I’ve never reached out to a family member of a patient who didn’t make it in this manner before and I’ve struggled hard with whether it’s even appropriate, but also whether it would even benefit you to hear, or simply just cause more pain. I still don’t really know the answer to that, and I really hope it doesn’t add to your grief in a way you don’t appreciate. I just really felt that with covid not allowing anyone to be there with him in the ER, it might help somehow to know that he wasn’t alone in his last hours, he was as brave as they come, and he was an overwhelmingly gracious person right up to the end. The person he was left a mark on me in the few hours I knew him, I can only imagine what it’s like for those of you who actually knew him and for that I am sincerely sorry for your loss. He’s one on a relatively short list of people who’s name and story will remain with me vividly for my entire career and probably forever. I hope this somehow helps.”

Seeing the impact

Receiving this message was a blessing. It also felt like a sign from God. I cried when I read this message but in an odd way I also was comforted by this message. This nurse saw the man that I fell in love with for who he was. Everything she said about him was true. During my relationship and marriage with Chaz I saw him grow in his faith. I saw him become more Christ-like. Because Jesus was in him, Chaz became more patient. I saw him learn to bite his tongue and choose to speak to people in love. He was already a helper but his love for helping grew immensely. Chaz was a witness for Christ until the very end.

Living is your testimony

This message is part of Chaz’s testimony. Chaz was being an example of Christ. Even while laying sick and in pain in a hospital bed he let Jesus shine. This nurse didn’t know that she was seeing Jesus but she could tell that there was something different about Chaz. Something that is going to stick with her forever and I believe it was the Holy Spirit that was pressing on her to share this with me.

On that day I was praying for a miracle. I was confident that God wasn’t done with Chaz. When I was told there wasn’t anymore that they could do, I felt God’s peace. My prayer quickly changed to that God would still use Chaz even after death. This message, this testimony is filled with the Power of God. I will not stop sharing this message and I hope you are able to share this message with someone who needs to know that the Creator of the Universe loves them so much and that He sent His Son to die for them and that when they accept Jesus Christ as their Savior their life will be radically changed and people will notice.

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.

Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Matthew 5:14-16

October 15, 2021 by
Grief, Widowhood

The C Word

I don’t want to know

I don’t want to know your opinion on COVID.

I don’t want to know your opinion on masks.

I don’t want to know your opinion on vaccines.

I don’t want to know what you and your family believe or have chosen to do.

And I won’t share my opinions. We understand each other? Good.

What I want you to know

I want you to know that when you have lost someone to COVID you are constantly reminded. You cannot get away from hearing about COVID, masks and vaccines. Yesterday I was in 2 different conversations about vaccines and then to end the day I received an email from a coworker who just learned that a family member that they live with tested positive.

I want you to know that when you have lost someone to COVID and you are constantly dealing with the reminders, you can get overloaded. It weighs you down.

I’m not saying

I’m not saying you can’t have an opinion. I’m not saying you can’t share your opinion or have conversations about COVID.

But I want you to remember

I want you to remember that the person you might be talking with has experienced COVID in a way that you haven’t. I want you to remember to be kind and compassionate.

October 5, 2021 by